Touching the Intangible
by SandraD
Summary: ///REFORMATTED/// *Slash* Set right after Season 6 Episode 1... Now that she's back, what will they do? **Complete**
1. It's Over

Disclaimer: They all belong to Joss.  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander watched his newfound lover with tears in his eyes. He knew what was happening but he couldn't help but to wish he were wrong. Spike was leaving him. Saying goodbye and moving back into the crypt he had not been near in more than three months. The young man could hardly believe that it had been such a short time. Just yesterday it seemed, to him, that they had been together for years. He knew now just how brief their time together had been. All he wanted was to turn back the clock and savor every touch, every kiss that much more. But, he knew that was impossible. It was too late. She was back and Spike was leaving him.  
  
  
  
"Spike, please think about this! I know that you loved her! I loved Anya! But I thought we had found something in each other. How can you just walk out of here like this never happened?"  
  
  
  
"Pet, look, you and I both knew this couldn't last. I never figured this is how it would end but don't act like this was more than it was."  
  
  
  
"What?! Gods, Spike, I love you! And you said you loved me! Why did you even bother being with me if all you wanted was sex? You could have gotten that anywhere! Why break my heart all over again? Did this mean nothing to you?!"  
  
  
  
"Well, pet, you know what they say...if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with." Spike smirked but quickly became serious again. "Christ, Xander! I thought you, of all people, would understand! What would you do if Anya had been the one to climb out of her grave last night? You know you would have run right back into her arms! And you expect me to stay here when Buffy is back and there might be a chance that she will want me?!"  
  
  
  
"And what if she doesn't, Spike? What then? You're going to toss aside someone who does want you for a chance? What happens when she turns you down yet again? Are you gonna go back to stalking her and dreaming about something you will never have?"  
  
  
  
"I won't have to worry about that, Xan. I know she will come to me. She has to. Think about it! Who here has experienced death like I have? I have died and come back. Who do you think she will want to turn to when she wakes up from a nightmare that only I could possibly understand?"  
  
  
  
"You're forgetting something. She's already been through this! She died once before, years ago, at the Master's hand! You know who brought her back? Me! And who do you think she wanted when it was all over? Angel, that's who! You think that's gonna change just because you're local? Do you really want to be the pinch hitter, Spike? You deserve more than that!"  
  
  
  
The brunette could no longer hold back the tears that wanted to fall. Breath hitching, Xander looked at Spike once more before he stood up and walked into their...his bedroom, closing the door behind him.  
  
  
  
As the door closed, Spike dropped his head in his hands as he let out a world-weary sigh. He knew there was a chance that Buffy would turn him away as she had done before. He couldn't help the desire to try again. The vampire hated the thought of Buffy turning to Angel for support. He wanted to be there for her when she needed help and he didn't feel he could do that if he was still living with Xander.  
  
  
  
The problem was, the thought of leaving the boy nearly broke his heart in two. He had fallen in love with Xander and now found himself torn between one love and another. He did still love the slayer and would give anything for her. And if that meant giving up the friendship and love he had found after her death, then so be it.   
  
  
  
As a single tear made its way down Spike's face, he picked up the bag he had packed and walked out the door.   
  
  
  
End 


	2. Let It Go

Xander took little notice of his surroundings as he made his way toward home after the first official Scooby meeting since Buffy's return. After the obligatory hugs and 'welcome homes' had been passed around, the boy found himself sitting on the staircase far away from the gang. He tried to be happy that Buffy had returned. He knew that it was for the greater good. But, no matter how hard he tried, Xander could feel nothing but resentment and misery.  
  
  
  
Shuffling his feet as he walked through a deserted park, Xander idly wondered what Spike was doing at that moment. //Probably walking Buffy and Dawn home// he mused. //It's not like she can't take care of herself.// He knew he wasn't being fair. He knew in his heart that Spike just wanted the woman he loves to be safe. However, it wasn't lost on Xander that he was walking home alone. No one to help him if he ran into trouble.   
  
  
  
That thought brought Xander out of his funk enough to notice that he was being followed. Tensing when he realized that his pursuer was closing in on him, he pulled a stake out of his shirtsleeve and spun to face his would-be attacker.  
  
  
  
"Woah! Watch where you point that thing, Xan!" Spike stopped just short of having a hole gouged into his flesh. "Your angle's all wrong, anyway. Would've staked me in the shoulder."  
  
  
  
"Would have hurt like a bitch though, wouldn't it?" Xander slipped the stake back into its hiding place and sighed. "What do you want Spike? I thought you'd be making sure Buffy doesn't need her boots polished or something."  
  
  
  
"Xan, don't be li..."  
  
  
  
Xander's head shot up and he glared at Spike. "Don't be like what, Spike?! Don't be like a lover scorned?! Don't act as if my heart was torn in two? Come on, Spike...answer me! Don't be like what?!" The boy could hardly breathe, he was so upset, but he refused to break down in front of his ex-lover again. He'd let Spike know that he was angry. But he would never reveal how unbelievable hurt he was.  
  
  
  
The vampire wasn't sure what he should say. Or if he should even speak at all. He had known Xander was going to hurt by his leaving, but he didn't have a clue that it would be this bad. //Hoped he would just let it go. Might have made it easier on both of us.//   
  
  
  
Spike knew that look in the boy's eyes. He'd seen it the day they had watched Anya and Buffy's coffins lowered into the ground. Knew he'd had the same look on his own face as he watched from under the nearby trees. But they had helped each other passed that, hadn't they? Brought back that spark and enjoyment of life (and unlife) in each other's arms.   
  
  
  
Then, with a few words... Spike had taken that all away.  
  
  
  
//Did what I had to do, didn't I?// The blonde felt he had done the right thing. For himself, for Buffy and for Xander. //Then why do this feel so bad??//  
  
  
  
Xander stood there waiting for Spike to say something... anything. When it became obvious that the vampire was not going to answer him, the brunette turned around to walk away.  
  
  
  
Calling over his shoulder he called behind him, "Just let me be, Spike. You have what you want now. She needs you. You need her. So leave me out of it."  
  
  
  
And, once again, Spike watched as the young man who had become so important to him walked away. Again. 


	3. Within His Grasp

Spike watched the door of the Summers' home close, still feeling the lingering warmth of the kiss that had been placed upon his cheek. She said she wanted and needed him with her. Had also said she could never love him but that she would never forget how he had been there for Dawn before she came back.   
  
  
  
So Spike had won the girl. Sort of. Buffy would allow him into her life and accept his love for what it was. She'd even implied that their 'relationship' would include his greatest fantasy. He could have the slayer. Body and soul. However, he could not bring himself to be happy. That she had offered anything beyond friendship was amazing to the vampire. What he had longed for...hoped and dreamed for...was finally his for the taking. All but one thing. He couldn't have her heart.  
  
  
  
After Buffy had made her offer to Spike, he had remained silent while he thought of what it would mean. What he would gain. And what he would lose. He knew this was the deciding moment. For the 123-year-old vampire, this was no less serious than when he had accepted Dru's 'proposal' in that dirty alleyway. This would change his unlife forever. There could be no turning back.   
  
  
  
When Spike looked up at Buffy's face he had tears in his eyes. His hands had started shaking and he was having a hard time controlling his voice.  
  
  
  
"Buffy, I've wanted you for so long now that I never thought this day would actually come. I told you before that I knew you'd never love me. I don't know why I thought that might have changed."  
  
  
  
"Spike..."  
  
  
  
"No, please, let me finish. I...I need to get this out. When you were gone I was able to let go of you and continue living even when I thought that to be impossible. I never stopped loving you, but I went on with my unlife. The thing is, luv, that I... I've fallen in love with someone else. When you came back I broke off a relationship in hopes that you would consider being mine."   
  
  
  
Spike stopped for a moment trying to reign in his emotions, putting a hand up to let her know he needed to say more. Finally to the point that he wasn't going to let go of a sob, he continued.  
  
  
  
"You have no idea how hard it is for me to tell you this, Buffy. I can't be what you want me to be. Love was given to me in its purest form during these past few months. Dru never really loved me. We all know that. I took care of her. She only came back when she needed me again. I couldn't accept that kind of unlife. Not again. The love I have for you is true. But I can't live like that again. Knowing that it will never be returned. It would be too much like the first century of my life.  
  
  
  
"I may have already destroyed what was built while you were...away. But I need to find out if I can salvage what we had. It may not even be possible. I'll probably get the bloody door slammed in my face. I deserve that. But I have to try.  
  
  
  
"I will be here for you, Buffy. Anything you need, you can always come to me. I'd do anything for you. Anything but this. I owe it to myself and the one I hurt to say no to you."  
  
  
  
When Spike had finally finished speaking, the slayer looked at him with gentle compassion. She never imagined that he would turn her offer down but was not upset by it. She understood his reason and could not fault him for it.  
  
  
  
"Thank you, Spike."  
  
  
  
"What for? I can't give you what you want? Why would you thank me?"  
  
  
  
"For telling me the truth. It would be so easy for you to take what I have offered and never think of this other person again. But, in time, you would come to resent me for standing between you and what you really want. I do need you. That much is true. And I am glad that I have you as a trusted friend now. Be happy, Spike."  
  
  
  
Smiling through his tears, the vampire stood and hugged the small blonde. Without another word, Buffy stood and walked him to the door. Reaching up to brush a kiss on his cheek, she whispered good night.  
  
  
  
Spike continued watching the house until Buffy turned off the lights and headed upstairs to bed. Then, with a sigh, he turned and walked away. 


	4. Shared Bliss

Without a moment of hesitation, Spike knocked on the door to Xander's apartment. He felt no need to delay when he knew his destiny lay on the other side of the door. The only question being whether it was too late to claim that destiny. The vampire saw no choice but to find out.  
  
  
  
After a few minutes with no answer, Spike unlocked the door with his own key. Thankful that he and Xander had both forgotten he even had it when they broke up, the blonde moved silently into the room closing the door behind him with barely a click.   
  
  
  
He knew immediately that his lover was in bed asleep. He had become attuned to Xander's sounds and breathing patterns while they were together. He knew the sound of the boy sleeping, as well as when he was excited, angry, upset and, his favorite, horny. Spike hoped that he would have the chance to hear all those sounds again.   
  
  
  
Shedding his duster and toeing off his boots, Spike made his way to the bedroom and the sleeping mortal within. Slowly moving toward the bed, he suddenly had no idea of what he should do. Would it be best for him to just wake Xander up or wait for morning when the alarm clock went off? He was more than willing to sit there and watch his love sleep all night.  
  
  
  
Making his decision, Spike leaned in and pressed his lips to the brunette's. Xander responded almost immediately, wrapping his arms around the vampire and pulling him onto the bed. The vampire knew this had to be heaven. He'd hoped for this reaction but had not really expected it. He was so caught up in the kiss that he didn't realize that Xander's breathing had not changed. The young man was still asleep.   
  
  
  
  
  
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Xander was having a wonderful dream. He had his lover in his arms. Attached at the lips, hands hastily tearing at clothing, hot skin seeking out cool. The boy rolled over on top of the body he knew as well as his own and began to nuzzle the vampire's throat. Licking and sucking he made his way to Spike's left nipple, teasing it into a tight bud.   
  
  
  
So happy that his lover had returned to their bed, and not able to wait another moment, Xander reached out toward the nightstand and grabbed the half used bottle of lube. Pouring a generous amount into his hand, he quickly coated his painfully erect cock and moved into position over Spike.  
  
  
  
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Spike writhed under his lover's touch. He had been such a fool when he thought he could leave this boy behind. Nothing could ever compare to the feeling of Xander's well-muscled body holding onto him, controlling and driving him into a sexual and emotional frenzy. He couldn't even remember why he had initially been attracted to the slayer, the dreams he'd once had no a distant memory. But this, his Xander, he would remember for eternity.   
  
  
  
Becoming aware of what Xander was doing, Spike tried not to tense as his body was entered without being prepared. Not that he was adverse to this type of roughness, but Xander was usually very careful with him, knowing he had been turned a virgin and would, therefore, remain a virgin. So, body relaxed, Spike let out a contented sigh as his lover pushed forward and breeched his tight passage.  
  
  
  
Ever so slowly, Xander began his assault; pulling out until only the tip of his cock remained and back in to be fully sheathed inside of Spike. Over and over Xander rocked into his lover. Spike gripped the mortal's shoulders as he came closer to climax. It was very rare that he could cum without ever being touched, but this intensity after their separation was driving him over the edge.   
  
  
  
Briefly, Spike wondered how the young man was able to hold for so long without showing any signs of nearing completion.   
  
  
  
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Something was wrong. In Xander's mind, he was sure he was dreaming. How else would Spike be in his bed? But his body was telling him otherwise. He knew well the difference between a dream and actually sinking into his lover. And this was the real thing.  
  
  
  
Xander abruptly halted his movements and took at the sight before him. He had seen it many times over the months they had been together. And he had never expected to see it again. Spike. Spread out under him, panting unnecessarily, wanton expression on his face, love and lust evident in his eyes.   
  
  
  
His first instinct was to pull away and throw the vampire out of his apartment. //How dare he come in here like this! He lost that right the last time he walked out the door!// For a moment, Xander wasn't sure what he would do. And then... //He really wants it that bad? He... can...fucking...have it!//  
  
  
  
As that thought formed in his mind, Xander began pounding unmercifully into Spike. Not caring how much pain he caused, he rammed in with all his strength over and over again. He would make sure Spike remembered this for a while, one way or another.  
  
  
  
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The master vampire howled as Xander began pounding him into the mattress. He'd realized his mistake the moment the boy's breathing changed. He was sure he was going to be tossed out, after a good verbal bashing, and told he had just enough time to get out of town. He had not expected this.  
  
  
  
Being the vampire he is, and the fact that he had been so close to cumming before Xander had become aware, Spike lost control, shifted into gameface and came long and hard crying out his lover's name.  
  
  
  
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Xander tried to maintain control, but watching Spike spray cum between them and feeling the subsequent muscle spasms around his cock, the brunette followed the vampire into momentary bliss and collapsed into a sweaty heap with the blonde.  
  
  
  
Once Xander was able to calm his breathing and gather his wits, he rolled over and got out of bed. He picked up his robe and took a towel out of the closet without looking back toward the bed. On his way into the bathroom, he finally spoke.  
  
  
  
"Get out." 


	5. Never Too Late

Xander ran through the cemetery as if the devil himself was at his heels. It seemed as if he could not reach his destination fast enough. He wasn't sure what he would do if he were too late. //That's a lie! You know exactly what you'll do if you don't make it there in time!//   
  
Looking toward the East, Xander saw the sky beginning to lighten. //No! Gods, just need a little more time!!// Reaching deep within himself, he found the strength to increase his speed. Never before had he run so fast. Of course, he'd never really had reason to.   
  
As he ran, the past hour played through his mind as if it were a video recording.  
  
  
  
Xander was pulled out of a fitful sleep by the sound of someone pounding on the door. He rolled out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to answer the door. //I swear, if this is Spike, I'm gonna fuckin' stake the bastard. Can't believe he came here last night. Of all the nerve...//  
  
Taking a look out the peephole, Xander saw Buffy on the other side of the door. //Jesus!! This is almost as bad!//  
  
Stifling a groan, the brunette opened the door only to find a fist coming toward his face. Unable to avoid the blow, Xander found himself knocked back onto the floor with what he knew would be a black eye by morning.  
  
"What the fuck was that for??"  
  
Without answering, Buffy walked into the apartment and calmly closed the door behind her. Bending over, she offered Xander a hand, which, after a moment of hesitation, he took and stood up.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Buffy watched Xander's face as it flickered briefly with confusion, then realization, before settling on anger.  
  
"It was between me and Spike. It was no one else's business." Xander crossed his arms in front of him and silently dared her to say otherwise.  
  
"You're right, Xander."  
  
"Huh? I mean, well of course I'm right!" His voice sounded sure but there was, once more, confusion in his eyes.   
  
"It was your and Spike's business. But you have friends, family really, who rely on you. People who trust and love you. Who want only for you to be happy. Those same people who you lied to for months before I came back."  
  
"You punched me because I didn't tell everyone Spike and I were together?" Xander and Spike had never gotten the courage to tell their friends that they had become a couple. They had feared their relationship would not be welcome.  
  
"No, Xander, I hit you because right now Spike is sitting outside his crypt waiting for the sun to come up!"  
  
"What?!" Xander's heart dropped into his stomach when his mind's eye pictured his lover turning to dust, only to be blown away by a breath of air. Instantly, tears welled up and his eyes and began to run, unchecked, down his face.   
  
Running to his room to grab some clothes and his shoes, Xander called over his shoulder, "What the fuck did you say to him, Buffy? Would it have been so hard to see him as more than a vampire? What did you do? Tell him he wasn't good enough for you, again? Jesus, Buff! Couldn't you have just let him down easy?"   
  
By this time, he was sobbing and could barely see the shoelaces he was trying to unknot because of the blinding tears in his eyes. He looked up when he felt a hand take the shoe from him. Watching Buffy untangle the mess he had made of his shoe, he tried to make out what she was saying.  
  
"...told him I wanted him... asked him to move in... said no... was in love... else..."  
  
"What?" Xander managed to latch on to a few words. "He... he told you he was in love with someone else?"  
  
"Yeah. Didn't tell me who, though. Until tonight." Buffy looked back up at Xander as she handed him back his shoe. "I found him while I was out on patrol. He told me about your relationship and about what happened last night when he left my house."  
  
"Why didn't he say anything?" Xander had finished getting ready and was looking for his keys. He had to go find Spike.   
  
"You didn't give him much of a chance, did you?"  
  
The young man stopped dead in his tracks and looked back at Buffy, the color draining from his face.   
  
"Oh God!"  
  
"Xander, snap out of it!" The slayer located the keys and gave them to Xander. "You have to hurry up and get out there! I couldn't budge him. You're the only one who can save him. It's not too late, Xander. Go! Go find Spike."  
  
With that, Xander ran out the door and headed straight to the cemetery.  
  
  
  
  
  
Finally, he was there. Stopping abruptly, Xander saw Spike sitting on a head stone facing the barely pink sky. He couldn't believe this was happening. There had only ever been one other thing that had driven the vampire to end his own existence. Xander's heart twisted at the idea that he had caused Spike the amount of pain that the chip had. Not even Drusilla leaving him had made the blonde consider this.  
  
"Spike."  
  
Slowly, as if he thought he was dreaming, Spike turned around. "Xan?"  
  
Xander saw his lover's tear streaked face and immediately reached out to him. He wasn't sure what to say at that moment but he knew he had to get them inside quickly.  
  
The vampire watched as his love raised his hands toward him and shrunk back. He couldn't bare it if, in his last moments, Xander had decided to show him how angry he really was. He was ready to finally die and he wanted to leave this world with the memory of the happy times they had shared.  
  
"Spike, please! We have to get inside!" He moved forward again and, this time, managed to wrap his arms around the weeping vampire. "Please don't leave me again!"  
  
"You... you don't want this?" Spike looked into his lover's eyes. "But, after last night... I thought..."  
  
"No! Gods, Spike! I love you! I'm so sorry! I should have listened to you last night! I should have given you a chance to say something... anything!" He looked at the even-brightening sky. "Spike, please!!! Come into the crypt!"  
  
Sliding off the tombstone, Spike placed a soft kiss on Xander's lips. Then, holding onto each other as if they might never let go, they walked into the crypt and closed the door just as the first rays of sunlight crested the Eastern horizon.   
  
  
  
End Series 


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